Quotes about funny-and-random

Time and Tide wait for no Man what about woman ? How Sexist !

I've purged myself of worldly goods half my stuff is either being sold or going to charity. I need to go shopping.

Dont act like you are walking around with a Tshirt that says "I give Up!" on the front and on the back saying "I never started trying!"People can bring you down, situations happen, YOU can feel like Life is the shittiest thing to deal with. BLAH BLAH BLAH..If you're walking through Hell, keep going! Everyday there's a new challenge. Face it! Deal with it! Move on! To every problem there is a solution or a way around it.. Stop being a sour mongral and think life owes you something..No one will do

Minimalism is a girl's best asset, blend tones, smudge hard outlines; if all else fails; Photoshop it.

Be the kind of woman who, when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says "Oh, no! She's up.

Dead people are just great. Meet me when you are.

Religion is a totalitarian belief. It is the wish to be a slave. It is the desire that there be an unalterable, unchallengeable, tyrannical authority who can convict you of thought crime while you are asleep, who can subject you to total surveillance around the clock every waking and sleeping minute of your life, before you're born and, even worse and where the real fun begins, after you're dead. A celestial North Korea. Who wants this to be true? Who but a slave desires such a ghastly fate? I'v

So, am I too, like all other humans, just a rogue? Sure! Just a notch less than those rascals wearing godly robes.

His green eyes blazed with desire; such a different look than I'd known before. Chase had studied me, reading my feelings. Tucker was only trying to see his own reflection. Disturbing on several levels.

Dear God, Why don't you ever get inspired by those carmakers who recall defective models? Please be humble, accept that you made and mistake and recall all idiots, criminals, haters, terrorists and replace their defective minds.

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope.

I guess it’s worth a shot.” More than likely a wasted bullet, but I’ll fire anyway.

Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs

Does anyone else day dream about what it would be like if specific age groups just dropped dead all across the world?

If at first you don't succeed, lower you expectations

What the famous big blue Boy Scout told to a green Kryptonite? What?? YOU rock!

He’s close enough now that I can hear his footfall on the pavement, and I knowmy chances of outrunning him are slim. I’m practically in a full sprint, and mypounding heart is begging me to take it down a notch. I try to will my feet to keep pace with its beat; but I think it’s humanly impossible to run that fast. And then it dawns on me that my footsteps are the only ones I hear. Somewhere along the way, Tristan’s must have come to a stop. And I can’t quite explain why I’m running this fast in t

He’s close enough now that I can hear his footfall on the pavement, and I knowmy chances of outrunning him are slim. I’m practically in a full sprint, and my pounding heart is begging me to take it down a notch. I try to will my feet to keep pace with its beat; but I think it’s humanly impossible to run that fast. And then it dawns on me that my footsteps are the only ones I hear. Somewhere along the way, Tristan’s must have come to a stop. And I can’t quite explain why I’m running this fast in

Memory is like a box of chocolates. They disappear quickly.

My imaginary pal up there, Mr. NOT, tells me it's my dog-damn ism to kick your illusory he-man's ass. Now, what do you say to that?

I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago.""Waitress!" Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. "Bring two!" then, more quietly,"You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet in the ear?

Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt.Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt’s collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I’dmet them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on topof it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted.“Hindenburg,” I sa

so this crow comes and it starts quacking at us.

Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)" I thinks she's going to break my heart" On arrival of the girl" The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.

The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping.

If you’re listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday.I’d like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun—I’m afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened.

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.

Holy mama llama. That’s Nathanial Stone. Nathanial Stone is sitting in my booth. Nathanial Stone is in the Finewhile Diner sitting in my booth. I’m supposed to wait on Nathanial Stone. I’m going to make a fool out of myself. I just know it. I can feel it coming. Crap.

I said to my friend, "Why do you smoke (cigarettes)?"He replied, "Because I like to put myself on the line for the welfare and safety of others."I astonishingly said, "Sorry, I didn't get your point."He replied, "I want a cigarette-free world. Therefore, I am trying my best to end all the cigarettes from the world.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

Yo Mama’s so poor, when I lit her house on fire, the cockroaches came out singing, “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.

Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone's been on a 747.

Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public.

Yo Mama's so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

ROSA MET ME at the door with a shotgun. Strictly speaking, not aimed at me, but you don’t really have to aim a sawed-off shotgun. She swung it toward me. “You, get in there.” She turned her attention to the crowd. “The rest of you will take a number and have a seat.” Her paperwork skills might have been lousy, but her personal touch was something I aspired to.

-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?-Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.

After reading some of my stories, I once had a friend say to me, "I'd love to spend five minutes in your head to see what's going on in there." I warned them, "If you spent five seconds in my mind you'd probably run out screaming and never speak to me again.

Ish #19 "If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?

He done his level best.Was he a mining on the flat..He done it with a zest..Was he a leading of the choir..He done his level best.If he'd a reg'lar task to do,He never took no rest..Or if 'twas off and on the same..He done his level best.If he was preachin' on his beat,He'd tramp from east to west,And north to south ..in cold and heat..He done his level best.He'd Yank a sinner outen (Hades),And land him with the blest;Then snatch a prayer'n waltz in again,And do his level best.He'd cuss and sing

(About a cookbook...)- What about this one? Maids of Honor?- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor...but they ends up Tarts.

Ladies glisten, men perspire, horses sweat.-Early Nun Quote, The Old Ursuline Convent (1727) New Orleans, LA

Speaking of body decorations, I luuhhhvv your belly piercing!” Heeb said, looking at the gold ring in the center of her slim, tan waist. Despite the artic cold, Angelina had opted for a skin tight, black tube top that ended just above her belly, on the assumption that a warm cab, a winter coat, and a short wait to get into the club was an adequate frosty weather strategy. Heeb was still reverently staring at her belly when Angelina finally caught her breath from laughing.“Do you really like it?

Now give me some advice about how to take full advantage of this city. I’m always looking to improve my odds.”“Just what I’d expect from a horny actuary.”“I’m serious.”Carlos reflected for a moment on the problem at hand. He actually had never needed or tried to take full advantage of the city in order to meet women, but he thought about all of his friends who regularly did. His face lit up as he thought of some helpful advice: “Get into the arts.”“The arts?”“Yeah.”“But I’m not artistic.”“It doe

It is the end of the world. Surely you could be allowed a few carnal thoughts.

You are having a bad day? Remember it could always be worse... It could be me having a bad day!

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried

Afternoon experience: autographing exposed legs, outstretched in lines like matchsticks. Afternoon epiphany: Those with smooth, hairless legs would soon lose all evidence of my contact when the sweat causes the ink from the marker to run. I am ephemeral. Skepticism would be the reaction to those with thick leg hair, as their curls frazzle the lines of my name outward illegibly. Among the scaly-legged, I flaked off immediately, like I never was at all.

If he didn't want to be mauled by a sex-starved woman who hadn't gotten any skin in months, he'd better keep his hands to himself.

If someone loves sweet things and constantly eats angel´s hair tartlets should this be diagnosed as having some sort of heavenly trichotillomania?

People need to make sure they have a good humor spark plug inside them that can be ignited at any moment when required.

I bet the very first piñata was surprised. “Oh, hey a party! Cool! What’s the occa— HEY, WHAT THE HELL, KID?

Darling Daddy,Poor Saffy. She had a big fight in the boys toilets on Monday, did you know? A very big fight and Sarah helped and it was terrifying. Said a boy in my class who has a brother who was there.Saffy washed her hands and said Never Ever Never Dare You Touch My Brother. (Indigo). And the plug holes were blocked with hair.Love from Rose.-Sarah's mother has given us soup. Soup soup soup and then it was all gone.L.F.R.

Possibility of enjoying life makes death feel terrible.

Hasn’t stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we’d be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I’d still be mad at you, or if we would talk in words or pictures. Maybe in smells. That would be cool.” -Janco

I shook my head. “I thought you had a ‘No princesses’ rule.”“Rules are made to be broken,” said Grimm.Ari sat back in the chair, her eyes closed.“Of course, young lady, there’s the matter of how we sign our contracts.”“Not gonna happen.” Ari threw a pen at the mirror for emphasis.

IN MY DEFENSE, I didn’t mean to start the Apocalypse. It wasn’t just my personal aversion to oblivion; I had a clear financial motive: The end of the world is bad for business.

The sooner the jihadis go up to their imagined #heaven, the sooner our earth would be a heaven.

Do animals understand the concept of dreams or do they think they enter another dimension when they get tired?

There is no logic in logics except an illogical logic.

When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that's no chocolate on the pillow

Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification

Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

Is that a rule? Do you have a rule that you can’t kiss people in the morning?

I'd say," the Ranger answered after a few seconds' deliberation, "that he'll be heading south now that he has the chance. Back into Araluen.""How do you know that?" Horace asked. He was always impressed at the two Rangers' ability to read a situation and come up with the correct answer to a problem. Sometimes, he thought, they almost seemed to have divine guidance."I'm guessing," Halt told him.

Halt regarded him. He loved Horace like a younger brother. Even like a second son, after will. He admired his skill with a sword and his courage in battle. But sometimes, just sometimes, he felt an overwhelming desire to ram the young warrior's head against a convenient tree.

Never make eye contact with a stranger when you’re having a churro.

She never called her son by any name but John; 'love' and 'dear', and such like terms, were reserved for Fanny.

She said my glasses made me look like a butch jock's locker room bitch.

Is this about what happened to you and the old Sector 7?” I asked with a growl of my own.His hands tightened their grip on my shoulders. “How did you know about that?” “Tabby-Chan told me.”“Freaking Meko-Chan,” Kuroi uttered, “I swear, that kid is gonna get it. What did she tell you, exactly?”“She told me not to tell you that she told me what you told her.” I realized what I said. “Oops.” ~Luna's POV, Clash of the Clans: Shinobi 7 Companion Book #1

World is so full of idiots that you can't even imagine to escape. The only solution is isolation. But it still spares one!

MY FRIEND: SO DO YOU TAKE A FOREIGN LANGUAGE CLASS?ME: SURE DO HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS.MY FRIEND: COOL WHAT LANGUAGE?ME: MATH.

Care to explain?” Ari asked.“Didn’t you see my signals?”“Yeah. But they didn’t make sense. Five into one and it’s an intrusion.”“It’s an illusion! Five of them are an illusion.”“That’s not the signal for illusion. This is.” Ari demonstrated the proper signal.“That’s what I did.”“No, you didn’t. You did a weird twisty thing with your pinky.”“I had a scimitar at my throat. I’d like to see you try signaling under those conditions.”-Janco and Ari bickering

If you want to say, Lucia, there is no inside of the park benches, I won’t argue with you. But, then you have to say where the pigeons come from.

Please follow these instructions:1. Stack the pages of this letter neatly. 2. Roll the pages up into a cylinder. 3. Smack yourself over the head with it. 4. Repeat. You complete ass.

Some people are born to fandom, others have fandom thrust upon them.

You keep the title of 'president' even if you served only one term. The same goes for rapists.

If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

Dogs are angels full of poop.

My book sales are way down today. Also, I've received two scathing reviews. One of them calls me “a purveyor of insipid wet-dreams.