Quotes about funny-but-true

His deepest need was that people should like him. An admirable trait that in a spaniel. Or a whore.

An assumption is the joke truth the punchline.

One piece of wisdom a writer quickly learns ~ typos keep you humble.

When a female cop pull you over for speeding, to get out of the ticket, talk nice to her, try to flirt or start crying, i bet she will save the ticket for you.

Life is an unfinished art, few master it, most just bark.

On a supra human level, yeah, I got That Which Is. Yet on a simple human level, rare are times when either my left or my right foot is not in some kind of shit.

Humans, left to own misguided devices, scratches the Divine in the self as one would the lice, but remember to lick well all the vices.

So, am I too, like all other humans, just a rogue? Sure! Just a notch less than those rascals wearing godly robes.

There is no human-like god. If there were, he'd be as silly as you.

God of blind believers is most likely to be cock-eyed.

If a religious book makes you harbor ill thoughts about those with differing faith, then, you're reading the wrong crap of late.

You're sad? I'll cheer you up. You're upset? I'd love to listen. All you have to do is come to me, you know I'll be there for you.

i realize you cant just throw real gems at ppl...because they think cubic zirconia is the real thing lol

Tolerance! The virtue that makes one bite his tongue so that he can tear out his hair.

Flattery does not encourage the perfect flow of love in the vein of your relationship. Be genuine and speak out what you feel for each other without hiding the painful truth.

Little people make tall claims. As being this-that avatar or messiah. Some even say they're God. Well, if they are, I'm their grand-pop.

Just like you silly bums, I have a personal sky god. I bow to him, as you do to your airy-fairy sod. He prefers I call him Mr. NOT.

Life gave me lemons, then I met you and you had Vodka. Now my life is a party.

Wise men don't feel companionless when they are not in the company of their egos.

While she could hardly fathom what had just happened to her that night, she reached some conclusions before she fell asleep, certain things now made perfect sense; Moon River didn’t sound so syrupy, mistletoe wasn’t such a bad idea, and perhaps dating was not such a frivolous waste of time after all.

Respect? Of course, always, to all, because everything seems funnier when you're trying to show respect.

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' But eating too many, is quite enough-plenty. And you'll have to go see the good doc anyway.

With a philosophy education, one can infuriate his peers, intimidate his date, think of obscure, unreliable ways to make money, and never regret a thing.

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

Be careful not to appear obsessively intellectual. When intelligence fills up, it overflows a parody.

There is this common notion that people are shallow and ignorant until they go out and see the world. I, on the other hand, went out and in comparison realized I was in pretty good standing.

Character that is fruit-producing can be summed up in the mastery of these 5 qualities: morals, but a sense of humor; love, but respect for criticism; intelligence without pretense; humility without self-loathing; and a mind open, but with solid convictions.

Everything is possible in America, except the production of intelligence.

When guys try to get a good job and make a lot of money, it's so that they can find a good mate, because they know women like guys with money. Big tits are to men, what big wallets are to women. A sexy woman can have almost any man she wants. And a rich guy can have almost any woman he wants.

There is this common notion that young conservatives are the few, that most people had liberal worldviews when they were young. If this is true, then it is with great irony that a number of old liberals must never had progressed into conservatives as they grew older.

I am not sure if women are attracted to genius. Can you imagine the wise wizard winning the woman over the gallant swordsman? It seems rather otherworldly in more ways than one.

Whenever you feel like feeling like a devil's advocate, Bible-thump. That, in a worldly world, is the great irony and satire of evangelism.

The logic behind patriotism is a mystery. At least a man who believes that his own family or clan is superior to all others is familiar with more than 0.000003% of the people involved.

Chocolate cake and a diamond ring? In bed with the man of my dreams?

April Fools' is the only day to take people seriously.

They say the crazies come out at night. I say the crazies come out during election year: Elections have the power to turn once seemingly normal people into certified loonies.

What you're experiencing isn't a dry spell. It's a dust bowl. Tell me, do you find cob webs in there every time you get yourself off?

American girls shivered and quivered at the Aussie accent whispered against their bodies.

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.

I feel as though whenever I create something, my Mr. Hyde wakes up in the middle of the night and starts thrashing it. I sometimes love it the next morning, but other times it is an abomination.

If I were to vote, I would intentionally vote for the goofiest candidate. It is my theory that when the people can outwit the leader, the more respected their voices will be.

He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.

All humans are rogues. Cured only by death.

Don't, but if at all, then, lie to the whole damn world - never to your own damn, silly stupid self.

Don't worry. Life goes on. With or without you. So, live it, while it's given you.

Do not believe in a god who is as silly, and meaner than you. For, that would surely be your higher-self, and your stupid alter-ego.

Somewhere in the crowd was at least one potential friend who'd understand the fundamental value of goofing off.Because if not, how boring would that be?

Like all great adventures, this one started with someone trying to get laid. King Menelaus didn’t go to Troy for the baklava.

I would die for you, my love—in old age.

First of all, no messiahs are sent. Secondly, no messiah got it. Lastly, no messiah is. And if there ever was or is, maybe I too am it. As too is every dimwit.

The funny thing about the heart is a soft heart is a strong heart, and a hard heart is a weak heart.

I treat my thoughts like an old person treats their valuables: I cannot for the life of me proceed to throwing them out.

To claim that one can never live a positive life with a negative mind is a very negative claim to make!

No matter how kind you are, always expect a few imbeciles.

Life is funny, when you are young you want to be older and those that are older wish to be younger.

Well, it's true for every elder sibling, We have this supremely potent weapon "parents " on our side in such matters. In fact, such are the times when our maturity works wonders in hitching parents to our side over these younger siblings.

Only about 3 percent of animal species are monogamous. A couple of penguins, some otters and a few other oddball critters. To these select few it comes natural to mate for life and never look at another member of the opposite sex. Humans are not part of that little club. Like the other 97% of species, humans are not monogamous by nature. We just pretend that we are.

Generally it appears the case that, when faced with all life's problems, the baby, he wants to cry about everything, the child wants to question everything, the teenager wants to rebel against everything, the young adult wants to solve everything, the middle-aged adult wants to protect everything, and the elder wants to accept everything.

Bitches act, loyal react

A thief is one who insists on sharing his victimhood.

Pure wisdom is the 'fruit of life' banal platitudes are the 'bane of existence'.

How easy it is for so many of us today to be undoubtedly full of information yet fully deprived of accurate information.

Pride is pride not because it hates being wrong, but because it loves being wrong: To hate being wrong is to change your opinion when you are proven wrong; whereas pride, even when proven wrong, decides to go on being wrong.

The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you.

We men are fascinated by the things we don't really understand. It gives us something to think and talk about: like females, they drive us nuts.

It's probably not easy for a woman to understand what it's like to be a man. Imagine you're starving, and someone puts a huge buffet in front of you. There's delicious, mouth-watering food all around you, and it's really really hard not to eat it all. That's what it's like to be a man around attractive women. The urge to want to hump everything that moves is part of a man's natural programming. It's a deep-seated hunger. To suppress that hunger takes civilization and a lot of willpower.

Google, Facebook helps people than people helps people, in today's world

..."vers libre," (free verse) or nine-tenths of it, is not a new metre any more than sleeping in a ditch is a new school of architecture.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

There is a certain delightful sort of hope which the introvert can receive only by having company over...the hope that they will leave soon.

It was 10:30 in the morning and I was already running behind. This is hardly unusual, but it pisses me off every single time.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Women" Any culture that has supported the education, rights and sanctity of women has dominated those cultures who have not. As Lycurgus the Spartan lawgiver once said, "Strong women make strong men.

Wisdom of the Ages "US News Media" If the devil is the father of all lies, isn't the US News Media their bitchy stepmother?

Wisdom of the Ages: "National Symbol" With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn't our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?

Wisdom of the Ages: "Valentine's Day" Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Skull and Bones" A secret society of spoiled twits whose apparent purpose in life is littering the landscape with as many as possible.

Some things are so silly they have a certain brilliance to them. Other things, set as standards for brilliance and therefore exalted by many who don't know why, become tarnished because of it.

... they only trusted the wisdom of people brighter and more worldly than themselves when it was expressed in the vocabulary and style of rural idiots. In his guise as Brazenydol, he had once had a contract with DARPA to teach a team of physicists the basic terminology of tractor pulls so that they could give an acceptable explanation of omniwavelength stealth to a Congressional committee that didn’t understand tractor pulls, either.

That Reagan shaped mechanical gadget in the metal box that made you jump like a little sissy boy, Joe, that is the heart and soul of what the flag’n’Jebus crowd is scared of so bad they can’t even think about him existing.” He looked at Joe, waiting for an aha! that didn’t come. “That whole wing of modern conservatism lives for, on, about, with, in, and by the idea that everything is happening via supernatural powers and that the devil is powerful and has to be fought. Modern science totally spo

It's like playing the lottery. It doesn't matter how extremely low the chances are of winning. You gotta be in it to win it. Hitting on every girl in sight is like buying a whole lot of lottery tickets. You never know, one day one of them might actually pay off.

I do not want to sound cynical or condescending, but your lips are moving, your mind unbending.

What if everything about me is totally made up? What if I’m actually…I don’t know. A wanted fugitive in the States.”“Julia.” He reached across the table and grabbed her hand. “Nobody makes up being a high school math teacher.”“That’s why it’s the perfect disguise!”He shook his head. “Nobody.

Ish #153 "Artificial plants grow best in artificial light.

Ish #19 "If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?

Ish #1 "It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles.

Ish #109 "If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You'll get there quicker.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams" This guy gets around more than Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys, but this time, I think he's gone too far. Unfortunately, I can't put a cover of my book My Year in Oman with Mr. Williams' picture on the cover.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Forgiveness" Steroids for the Soul.

Sip tea and coffee with those who say you can, politely stuff with cookies any who say you cannot. Because the stuff they are feeding you, be it the latter,looks strangely a bit like the little chocolate chips.

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly.

I'm past competing in pissing contests. My jet stream is now more of a trickle. The only contest I'd win is the number of trips to the bathroom it takes to purge a 32oz soda.

Even though I dislike being kicked by others, I do enjoy the feeling of kicking others

Nothing frustrates people more than a cocky guy who's still winning.

For what religion has never had sects? Rest assured, Extremism is always the derrière.

The fact that we're all different is the one thing we all have in common.

Assuming what people want is about as controlled as using fireworks to start a fire.