Quotes about funny-quotes

Two things are infinite a woman’s patience and her husband’s mistakes.

Women make the world go round men turn it upside down.

Love is my favorite drug I overdose on it regularly.

Love turns men into boys heartache turns boys into men.

Women never stalk men they just research them intensely.

I think therefore I am not sure.

Normally, she would never wish a head injury on anyone, but it might make her days in Archival Studies a bit easier.

You are only Half Happy unless you love them both equally: Friday & Monday!

The greater the injury, the greater the fun.

Only about 3 percent of animal species are monogamous. A couple of penguins, some otters and a few other oddball critters. To these select few it comes natural to mate for life and never look at another member of the opposite sex. Humans are not part of that little club. Like the other 97% of species, humans are not monogamous by nature. We just pretend that we are.

Guess it's high time we add the 8th vow in marriage promising that we shall spend time with our husband or wife more than with social networking sites!

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

You're never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child.

Life is easy. Just stay un-dead.

I love you silly 'holy' book. Here's hoping everybody un-reads it.

Hurry, your imaginary heaven is calling you up, my dear holier-than-thou religious nuts.

So, am I too, like all other humans, just a rogue? Sure! Just a notch less than those rascals wearing godly robes.

There is no human-like god. If there were, he'd be as silly as you.

What did the mat say to the door? You must be really aDOORable to open up to everyone who knock at you. And I welcome everyone and what do I get? People stepping all over me

Humans, left to own misguided devices, scratches the Divine in the self as one would the lice, but remember to lick well all the vices.

What doesn't kill you makes you CRAZY, GRUMPY, MAD AS EVER? NO it makes you STRONGER! Yep,you'll get there eventually!

Your brain is not only the material inside your cranium, its something to be explored, developed and refined

When a female cop pull you over for speeding, to get out of the ticket, talk nice to her, try to flirt or start crying, i bet she will save the ticket for you.

All humans learn from each other's mistakes. Intelligent humans learn how to avoid them, idiots how to do them.

Life isn't over until you're dead. Another ultra-positive, ultra-motivational tweet to improve your day. You're welcome.

I love religious nuts. They make me remember I have them too. So, being a health nut, I scratch them religiously. Just as I do my butt.

There are only two profound ways to reach enlightenment: Laugh by yourself, or get tickled.

Little people make tall claims. As being this-that avatar or messiah. Some even say they're God. Well, if they are, I'm their grand-pop.

I'm joking when I say I'm the grand-pop of those claiming to be an avatar-messiah or god. But if they're serious, then, I am who I am.

Wise men don't feel companionless when they are not in the company of their egos.

You don´t need a stage to prove that you´re a bad speaker.

Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.

Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways." ~ Amunhotep El Bey

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.

If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit same mistake again they just apologized for.

Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals.

When you are angry try your best to go to sleep, it keeps you away from speaking, writing and thinking while you are angry.

Was it just her, or did lovers look more adoringly at each other in this city? Especially in the springtime.'Die, bastards.'She sighed. It wasn't their fault that they were bastards who should die.

Don't worry if you've been labeled as weird. Who wants to be classed as normal in an insane world?

Punctuation was, it is sad to say, invented a very long time ago. Even more frustrating, it has remained with us ever since.

It's probably not easy for a woman to understand what it's like to be a man. Imagine you're starving, and someone puts a huge buffet in front of you. There's delicious, mouth-watering food all around you, and it's really really hard not to eat it all. That's what it's like to be a man around attractive women. The urge to want to hump everything that moves is part of a man's natural programming. It's a deep-seated hunger. To suppress that hunger takes civilization and a lot of willpower.

An ignorant man who is regarded as knowledgeable by people who are more ignorant than him is still ignorant.

Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels.

Love is relentless, and so am I ;)

Were I but perfectly normal, I would just not be.

All humans are rogues. Cured only by death.

Do not believe in a god who is as silly, and meaner than you. For, that would surely be your higher-self, and your stupid alter-ego.

Politics to me was the whining of an old braggart too proud to admit his faults and too vain to try something new. All of their agendas and manifestos were nothing but a lucrative offer to deceive the fools and encourage the clever in deceiving more fools.

I discovered that politics is not entirely about agendas and manifestos of some old, sullen creep promising a better future of the country as a whole. Politics is being played everywhere and it starts from the very bedroom that you consider your safe haven.

In Science don't confound Normal static electricity To ecstatic eccentricity. Here is what I found: Electric charges As they rise up your hair In contrast with a discharge, Rarity leaves you up in the air!

Your wife is smarter than you; know this, and you will live happily ever after.

Falling in love with someone is intentional, even if it was their looks that tripped you.

There is nothing wrong with being a puppet if love is the one pulling the strings.

The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.

If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for.

Money can't buy love, except on Valentine’s Day.

Like all great adventures, this one started with someone trying to get laid. King Menelaus didn’t go to Troy for the baklava.

The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand.

Be calm on your wedding day; she won’t kill you in front of a hundred people, no matter what you've done.

Love is a hook; the moment a man swallows it, a woman knows she has him forever.

Women are the best thieves you will ever meet; they steal your heart and your last name, but never get to spend the night in jail.

I hardly have a typo when I am drunk and texting! But, I will have enough typos when I am emotionally charged with love, lust, poetry and hope, and texting!

Men like to borrow kisses because they know they will have to pay them back.

If you blame gravity for falling in love, even God has the right to laugh at you.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend until love introduces her to her soulmate.

An inch to a man’s heart is a mile to his wallet.

Get high on love, not drugs.

The world’s most lethal venom is not found on the tongues of serpents, but on the tongues of a disgruntled wife.

God, woman.” He closed his fist, not bothering to count off the dozens of other things she shouldn’t do. “You give me heartburn.”“No. Those are orgasms I give you, baby.

Holy swoonballs!

Holy mama llama. That’s Nathanial Stone. Nathanial Stone is sitting in my booth. Nathanial Stone is in the Finewhile Diner sitting in my booth. I’m supposed to wait on Nathanial Stone. I’m going to make a fool out of myself. I just know it. I can feel it coming. Crap.

I find blow jobs to be highly respectable. In fact, I can’t think of many things I respect more than your lips around my cock.

You should really smile more Miss.” “Smiling Is overrated.” my voice as sharp as a knife, my voice deadpanned, as I sulked at the wall.

This many pretty girls in the room, all watching you boys like you’re a wedding-reception one-night stand waiting to happen—

You should praise, criticize and flirt with people right to their face, only then it will make a difference.

Amren,” Rhys drawled, “sends her regards. And as for this one … ” I tried not to flinch away from meeting his stare. “She’s mine,” he said quietly, but viciously enough that Devlon and his warriors nearby heard. “And if any of you lay a hand on her, you lose that hand. And then you lose your head.” I tried not to shiver, as Cassian and Mor showed no reaction at all. “And once Feyre is done killing you,” Rhys smirked, “then I’ll grind your bones to dust.

That one doesn’t count. The poor scoundrel is deaf, but he makes a fine sniffer. How do you think we found you?

I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.

Ish #303 "It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.

I'll be fine." She kissed his cheek. "Styles nearly killed the two men I love most. Trust me, he's going to regret that. After all, it is foolish to get on the bad side of either Spellsmith or Carver...and I just happen to be both.

Wait, how do most people make friends? I've only done it once. There has to be an easier way of going abouit it than getting thrown around and bleeding all over the place. But both of us went through that. So maybe...Nosebleeds = Friendship Maybe friends are drawn to bloodsheed. You know. Like sharks.

Let me put it more artistically, with greater sophistication:They left us in the toilet. In the deepest pile of shit. And we're coated in the crappy residue of their desicions. But that does not mean we are the one who pooped, Moritz. And neither are we the poop.Never think that. We're not the poop.

I m not funny, really m not !!! I just tell people the truth, and then they start laughing and say haha you are funny...but seriously m not!!!

Halt glared at his friend as the whistling continued.'I had hoped that your new sense of responsibly would put an end to that painful shrieking noise you make between your lips' he said.Crowley smiled. It was a beautiful day and he was feeling at peace with the world. And that meant he was more than ready to tease Halt 'It's a jaunty song''What's jaunty about it?' Halt asked, grim faced. Crowley made an uncertain gesture as he sought for an answer to that question.'I suppose it's the subject mat

All I have is me, myself and I and we are all getting really tired of each other.

Having a kid is like an industrial revolution of the emotions. Suddenly you can mass produce worry, and guilt.

Dead people are just great. Meet me when you are.

When guys try to get a good job and make a lot of money, it's so that they can find a good mate, because they know women like guys with money. Big tits are to men, what big wallets are to women. A sexy woman can have almost any man she wants. And a rich guy can have almost any woman he wants.

Idiots are of two kinds: those who try to be smart and those who think they are smart.

I'm like a circus standing on two legs.

I'm a Baroque person. More than Baroque, I'm a Rococo person. I don't draw straight lines.

France, stop throwing awards at me! I have so many already, give them to people who need them.

Realism is criminal.

Religion is a totalitarian belief. It is the wish to be a slave. It is the desire that there be an unalterable, unchallengeable, tyrannical authority who can convict you of thought crime while you are asleep, who can subject you to total surveillance around the clock every waking and sleeping minute of your life, before you're born and, even worse and where the real fun begins, after you're dead. A celestial North Korea. Who wants this to be true? Who but a slave desires such a ghastly fate? I'v

I'm not sure who faked their orgasm first, but thankfully it was over rather quickly.

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope.

His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen when, in an uncharacteristic error of judgement, he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped.

If a wizard should take up residence in your garden and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.