Quotes about humorous-quotes

NEVER COUNT A SACRIFICE AS A COST IT IS THE PRICE YOU MUST PAY!

Women make the world go round men turn it upside down.

Happiness is knowing that Goodreads isn't blocked from my work IT system.

A comedian is better than a politician at least there is no doubt.

Humor makes a lasting impression of great moments awkward or pleasant

Only the great warriors fall down from their horses one would not fall who rides a donkey cart.

When men cry, real men, we cry Man Tears. Those are tears made up of actual meat. We basically cry pork chops and steaks. Imagine a steak tearing its way out of your eye. It hurts like hell, which causes more tears. It's a vicious cycle

Of course, thousands of years of traditional masculinity weren't going away without a fight. They lingered in the vestigial memories of men, occasionally challenging a decision to read the directions or wear argyle, hoping for a day when a hurtling piece of space rock will send the world back to a time before the advent of styling gels.

... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything.

In all of the possible scenarios Kian had envisioned, encountering a lunatic had not been one of them. It just showed him that he could never be completely prepared.

Prestidigitation? You've got to be joking. No one says that.

Oh, y'know, magic stuff is full of weird vibrations!" said Dane. "Makes your palm sweat, gives you that pins and needles sensation when you hold it! Maybe something running up your arm." He paused. "Something that isn't a spider or a bug. Something running up your arm that's an invisible sensation. But not an invisible spider. Like an invisible feeling that's pins and needly. Maybe more needles than pins.""Are you sure that's not a heart attack?" said Jaya.

I should never do anything pre-coffee. 'It was only a teeny fire,' I told my uncle over the phone.

People take power trips at the most inopportune times.

Prepare for a radio, for nothing is silent like the grave

As a reformed procrastinator, I'm now getting things done in the first 10 seconds of the last minute.

It's a good thing, right, when an author gets turned on by the dirty scenes they write?!

A goatee is to beards what diamonds are to ornaments.

Many a time, you may not even have to speak, however difficult the situation; your goatee speaks for you.

A writing day is like any other day. Except I live in my pajamas, I forget to eat, and I suddenly look up, wondering when day turned into night.

When life gives you lemons, find a friend whose life has given them tequila and have a party.

Life's a crapshoot, Sam. At least you filled the cheap seats.

Forgive my asking you to use your mind. It is a thing which no novelist should expect of his reader...

- You gave me a dead frog for my birthday!- To remind you we all die and end up rotting underground eaten by maggots so we should enjoy our birthdays while we have them. I found it thoughtful.

I just want you to know,' said the girl, coldly, 'that whoever you are and whatever you intend with me, I shall give you no aid of any kind, nor shall I assist you, and I shall do whatever is in my power to frustrate your plans and devices.' And then she added, with feeling, 'Idiot.

A rainy day is like a lovely gift -- you can sleep late and not feel guilty.

Holy paranormal activity, Nightingale - to the Jag mobile.

I haven't devoured a soul in...What month is this? March?

To God I speak Spanish, to women Italian, to men French, and to my horse - German.

A massage is just like a movie, really relaxing and a total escape, except in a massage you're the star. And you don't miss anything by falling asleep!

I'm not lazy. I'm just really gifted, only instead of being good at music or math I'm good at sleeping late.

Mad Rogan: "Resistance is futile."Nevada: "You are not assimilating me!

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Sam was waiting for her,his gaze sweeping over her. "Looks great." "I look like a geek," Lucy said. "I smell like a brewery. And I need a bra.""My dream date.

We're all secretly idiots inside.

Assisted him? Dylan made the repairs. I only fell and hit my head, from what I can recall. Yes, I make excellent deadweight.

That's all you need? Easy. I love you.Okay? Want it louder?I love you. Spell it out schould I l-o-v-e y-o-u. Want it backwards You love I.

A “good friend” was well…. Like your teeth.You had a limited number of them to last you an entire lifetime.You could survive without them, but having them made life much more enjoyable.If you didn’t take good care of them, you could lose them forever.

Have you ever heard of a condom? Don't Carpathians have condoms? Because I'm thinking that if you're all that worried, a condom might be just the thing." His smile was slow in coming. "I had not thought of that. As a rule Carpathians do not need such things.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

It's all right, darling. I'll finish the financial report on my own. I can think clearly before sex and stay awake afterwards. That's one of the nice things about being a woman.

Life plots elegantly.

Are you aware that Jesus Christ can spell? I get so tired of you spelling every slang and cuss word that crosses your mind, as though you are pulling one over on the Lord.

despair all ye mortals,” he said in a voice of doom. “the mama approacheth

The local natives were particularly curious to know why the English required such huge quantities of pepper and there was much scratching of heads until it was finally agreed that English houses were so cold that the walls were plastered with crushed pepper in order to produce heat.

All real estate agents should be put on a decommissioned naval frigate which is then towed out into the deepest part of the Atlantic and sunk. It's rather unfortunate that, in recent years, real estate agents have become comedy betes-noires. Rather like lawyers or used car salesmen. Every time they mention their job they probably get people amusingly making the sign of the cross at them or are subjected to some good-natured, humorous ribbing. This has the effect of distorting what I'm trying to

F***ing triffids.

My embarrassment was complete. If I just had passed out, that would have been bad enough. But to make matters worse, Will had carried me outside, where everyone else was; everyone in my youth group had seen Will carrying me. I felt like melting into the bench on which I sat.

Holidays were invented so single women could overeat without feeling guilty.

Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going.

Mister if you want more to join,’ She said half-choked ‘you’ll have to put in the coin.

Giving the rugged repairman the eye was one thing -- but Charity had no intention of snogging away a whole rainy afternoon when she was supposed to be catching up on her work. Lady Margaret was counting on her! But then again, Lady Margaret didn't have big brown eyes and a cheeky grin.

Said Opie Read to E.P. Roe,"How do you like Gaboriau?""I like him very much indeed!"Said E.P. Roe to Opie Read.

Christian swiped the keys from my hand. "Maybe the fates want us to take the car home. Why do I have a feeling I'm going to regret this?I smirked. "Is that what Viktor said before he hired you?""That's what your husband is going to say before reciting his vows.""That's what every woman says before they have sex with you."Christian swaggered toward the door, swinging the keys around his finger. "That's what I'm going to say before you serve our dinner tonight.

Charity turned over and hugged the pillow, a quote from Newton making her smile. Sleeping late was really more scientific than working out. After all, a body at rest tends to remain at rest.

On those who judge, illusions are entertaining; In honestly, I find error in some of their truth.

I am a negative person by nature, and I typically shy away from anything that requires me to be having visible fun.

From my bedroom window, I hadn’t noticed his earring and the Motörhead tattoo on his forearm. He looked like the kind of guy who, if a bomb went off in his watering can, would raise one eyebrow and say, ‘Well, that was close.

to be in charge. To be the wise owl. The comforter. I felt I’d moved beyond that. Gained my own wisdom. Found comfort in my own company. In just being me. The long healing process was at an end, hastened by these few days of sunshine and blissful solitude.

If being ugly was a crime, they'd be hunting that woman down with helicopters and bloodhounds.

I'm a special kind of crazy, boy it must suck to be you

Having plans sounds like a good idea - until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.

Victory! Catherine wanted to pull the front of her top over her head and run around the office making V-signs. Of course she wouldn’t do that

I'm apparently in love with a thirteen-year-old who makes lewd sex jokes in public, shamelessly plays footsy with me under the table the whole time I'm trying to enjoy my shrimp scampi, and is insatiably horny at all hours of the day.

I remember watching him perform these endless, boring violin solos, with his long hair flowing behind him like an Afghan hound in a gale, and thinking, 'what a tosser.

I gave up drinking coffee for you. I swapped pizza for produce, and this is what I get in return?

On the toilet no one is a star. Remember that and you will go far in life.

...Falon sucked hard on her straw and swallowed. “You haven’t mentioned a girlfriend or a wife.” “That’s because I don’t have one.” Haley touched the tip of her nose with her finger. “Whew, I’m feeling good. I should drink more often. My ex left me a year ago for someone else,” she admitted and giggled. “I’ve been surviving on a steady diet of hate and loathing.” Falon raised her cup. “Whatever works, right?” “Yeah, I guess,” Haley agreed with a shrug and a grin. “She always complained that I wo

Mother-in-laws are necessary, as are mosquitoes, athlete's foot, and beets.

If you take hyphens seriously, you will surely go mad.

A coalescence of verbose convolution, veering on imperceptibility, impinges upon a plain proclamation an apparent profundity.

Me and Jason against you and Stacy.” Alana handed Alexis a badminton racket and grinned. “Yay,” Alexis said without even a smidgeon of enthusiasm. “Do you want to serve?” Stacy asked Alexis when Jason and Alana moved to the other side of the net. “Serve you what? There’s no staff here to take care of your every whim, princess,” Alexis said lowly so the others wouldn’t hear. Stacy recoiled at the remark, then her temper flared. “You know what I was asking,” she replied coolly. “You can serve. Her

Dear Me, I made a jackass out of myself tonight. I couldn’t stop it. The second I saw Stacy, I sprouted big donkey ears and a tail. I don’t know why she gets under my skin. Why should I care what she thinks of me? She’ll be gone right along with Jason when Alana gets bored. Alana’s lasagna was terrible. No one noticed that I was slipping the harder pieces of it into my salad bowl and hiding them under the lettuce. It’s a good thing they don’t have a dog because if it was to eat the scraps, it wo

Dear Me, Talk about getting the wind knocked out of your sails when your best friend tells you you’re turning into a grumpy hermit. She told me that at breakfast today, and I was in denial until I talked to Chase, that little fucker. I made myself happy by soaking his ass five times before lunch. I did some soul searching, and I don’t think I’m depressed, but I do think I’m becoming too comfortable with being by myself. I’m really beginning to enjoy the company of cats more than people, and that

..,When the call ended, Haley went back into the bedroom where Falon was lying in bed with an arm over her eyes. “That was Cindy, right?” Falon asked. “Yes, and my parents are driving her crazy. I have to call them. If you want a laugh, listen to my half of the conversation.” Haley climbed into the bed next to Falon and leaned her back against the headboard. She blew out a breath and pressed a button on her phone. “Hey, Dad, I’m… I am fine… yes, I can hear you both… Well, I’m sorry… I am fine,”

A muffin what? Are you asking me to eat you or something?

I have never seen so much male hotness in one place in my entire life,” Rach rasps. “I fucking love America.

This is the staff sergeant coming out," Kelly told Hagan quietly. "I'm used to it."Hagan looked him up and down, narrowing his eyes. "You come like a fire hose when he gives you an order, don't you?""Only if he tells me to," Kelly countered with a smirk.

The only good thing about people not taking me seriously is that I'm not serious myself!

Youth isn't all it's cracked up to be either.""Then you're doing it wrong.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, shouldn't it follow that cowboys would be deranged?

Conjugation of the irregular verb “to design”:I create, You interfere, He gets in the way.We cooperate, You obstruct, They conspire.

She’d gotten through the entire evening without killing anyone. Lieutenant Eve Dallas, cop to the bone, figured the restraint showed enormous strength of character.

As I reflect on all my friends and colleagues in my life on this special occasion... Mother is only half the word that immediately comes to mind.

...I’m insane, Jorie thought. She saw herself lying in a hospital bed, her wallet and valuables gone. When asked why she got into a car with a woman she didn’t know, her reply would land her in the psych ward. Well, you see, I have this fantasy lover because, frankly, they’re so much easier to deal with. She never makes a mess, loves my demonic cat, always says the right thing at the right time. I saw this woman, and she was my dream come to life, so I just had to get into the car with her becau

Where ya goin’?” Coleen asked. “I’m taking Lena to dinner, then we’re going dancing.” Coleen threw a hand on her hip. “You don’t smell the gumbo that’s been cooking all day? It’s your favorite. I stuffed every aquatic creature I could find into that pot. Claws and legs are hanging out all over the place.” “I’ll have some tomorrow,” Jorie said as she caught one of the screws that dropped from the blade. “I made pie, damn it. Pecan, just because I know you love it. Bring that woman here for dinner

Yes. Right. You should probably, um..."She had no idea what he should do.Kiss her, she thought. Isn't that what people did after they survived thrilling, near-death experiences together? She was sure it wasn't an appropriate suggestion, but this close, it was all she could think about.

So…just to be totally clear, you are a lesbian, right?” Lydia met Harper’s gaze. “I am, and I’m damn proud of it.” “That’s pretty cool.” “Glad you think so,” Lydia said with a smirk. “I’d hate to get another detention for painting you and this ugly-ass badger.

The job market, however, proved distressingly uncooperative. All of the local barista positions had been filled by more enterprising philosophy majors, and Arthur lacked the skills to do much beyond make a cup of coffee.

All decisions are taken two levels above the highest level of understanding

There are too many questions and not enough painkillers in the world to get through them all.

A cult? Jesus Christ. No wonder Anita is worried about her children. They’re like turkeys—they might drown themselves in the rain if you don’t watch ’em close enough.

Marriages are for the grownup people. Fortunately or unfortunately, I am not yet the one!

Percival pinched his lips, sending his laugh to his eyes.

Do not open that door until I'm in my room. I may be old and losing my hair, but I still want to look nice for a handsome man.

And most of the time, when you're young and dumb - you know everything! Charles Freeman Lee bebop pianist and trumpeter

I want to tell you something but good tasteRestrains me

I have the whole team just around the block! One call and they'll ride in here like cavalry! Riding on... robots! Giant robots! Well, not giant robots, like in Egan, but... but... big enough robots!

Embrace tomfoolery as if it were a rich relative on his deathbed.