Quotes about humour

Time and Tide wait for no Man what about woman ? How Sexist !

Only the great warriors fall down from their horses one would not fall who rides a donkey cart.

I was practically The Boy in the Bubble all my autoimmune responses stripped bare by chemical representations of pine forests and summer meadows.

But to understand English is one thing to understand an Englishman who talks is another.

I wanted to give you advice. Adults are always doing that it's one of their occupational hazards.

I welcome reviews from all readers. I take criticism well but please . . . no comments on my author face!

Mr Hawkins said nothing the Hawkins' domestic affairs were arranged upon the principle that Fanny supplied the talk and he the silence.

Analyse it chance of getting succeed are always greater than failure

Give a man a fishand he'll eat for a day.Give a WOMAN a fish and she'll feed the whole family for a week!

Trust Oh Trust me please. Dont turn and freeze. Have faith in me & let me put a frost in your tears. Once you hear it ends with I will put a cherry on top! Here's when you prepare yourself to leave & say Thank you. I want to excuse myself Please.

I am heartily glad that the trees and plants are still interested in copulatory activities I only wishthey would be so good as to keep their sperm away from my face. Do not pretend that pollen isanything else it transfers haploid male genetic material and sullies the bedclothes unmercifully.

The sun doesn’t live in England it comes here on holiday when we’re all at work.

Life is like yoga the only way you can enjoy it is by relaxing into any position you happen to find yourself in.

I would say happy new year but it's not happy it's exactly the same as last year except colder.

When I hear somebody talk about a horse or cow being stupid I figure it's a sure sign that the animal has somehow outfoxed them

I have always been homosexual and it surprises me that more people are not women's pink bits are moist and forbidding and I enjoy those qualities much more in a Victoria sponge.

In peacetime some sort of introduction is generally required to make a person's acquaintance in war a small eatable will perform the same office.

It is not true that the English invented cricket as a way of making all other human endeavors look interesting and lively that was merely an unintended side effect.

I tell myself not to feel sexually threatened. I am of no special interest he could just as easily be angling for the printer.

Sex doesn't interfere with your tennis it's staying out all night trying to find it that affects your tennis.

The tedious never die that's what makes them tedious.

I can recall quite clearly the journey from Omaha to San Francisco which I made with the opera troupe God had created the world in less time than it took us to travel across America.

I have never learned how to tell somebody something good about myself that should be a secret they must find out .

Everyday I think about the perfect life with you Everyday I wish you existed.

The English summer is never far away it's just above the clouds.

I'm a fucking starship I'm allowed to cheat.

You cannot force someone to believe something they do not believe you can only manage to force them to speak or act as if they do.

Give a man a proverband he’ll muse for a moment.Teach a man to find the verb in every proverband he’ll walk in wisdom for a lifetime.

Laugh until you crynever let your eyes look dryThis is not a matter of jokethis is all to provokeour sense of humourLife is its own consumer!

My humour has always come from anger, but I have to make sure I don't just get angry and jump on a soapbox.

One piece of wisdom a writer quickly learns ~ typos keep you humble.

A life is like a book of many chapters and topics. Which Chapter are is your life?

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Marcus looked down. “Ah, man! This was my favorite shirt. Who tore it?” he asked, trying to pull the ragged edges together.

Life is an unfinished art, few master it, most just bark.

Do not fall in love.....it means you have to look at someone else.

I surround myself with all eight throw pillows while hugging two. “What is so bad and uninteresting about me, Alex? Peter was the fifth break up–“–Sixth–” “–Sixth break up in the last two years. And I’m always the dumpee. Are my conversations that boring that no man wants to stay?”“Sandra, with this topic, yes. But usually, no.

If you cannot laugh frequently and genuinely, you have no soul.

You want the truth? I’ve been fucked and betrayed often enough to not trust anybody. And that includes you.” Frank shrugged. “Don’t take it personal.”“Join the club. We meet Tuesdays. We never share the location with each other, and we show up armed.

If you feel that you can solve others problems, then please, work little more on your own problems and solve them first.

Aglaya just rolled her eyes. "You're like a ten year-old.""Ten-and-a-half," Kev defended. "But I read at a fourteen year-old level.

Try me, and you will start LOVING..!!

Who's he seeing now then?""No idea. They're like funfair goldfish; no point giving them names, they never last that long.

You should visit the Palatine. It's at the top of that hill . . .""I know where the Palatine is, Dexter, I was visiting Rome before you were born.""Yes, who was emperor back then?

Think before you speak, unless it's urgent

Never trust a person whose smile doesn't reach their eyes, chances are they do similar thing when they "cry" - Just be sure you have that OSCAR ready next time they do this

Bijli fails in the dead of night / Won’t help to call “I need a light” / You’re in Karachi now / Oh, oh you’re in Karachi now. / Night is falling and you just cant see / Is this illusion or KESC / You’re in Karachi now

Someone will complete you some day and that day will never be late. Those nouns and verbs are above wonderful and never ending .

First I was decayed, I was putrefied. Kept thinking I could never live on, now that I had died...

To neglect ones own ability to laugh is the greatest form of Blasphemy, for to laugh is to pray.

Another one of your quippy japes?

Of course I began to see Nikki, which was strange because I was staring into Danny's eyes, and Danny is a six-foot-three black man who looks nothing like my ex-wife.

I hate smug people.”Ros laughed. “That you do. And so you’re using his phone. He’ll explode, you know.”“Oh, it’ll be bad. ‘Cause I made all the phone calls on my list.”There was a pause. “No. You didn’t.”“I did.”“Fifty-one phone calls on the off-limits phone?” “Yup.”“Did you fall down the stairs or something? What is wrong with you?!

Usually after a good puke you feel better right away. We hugged each other and then said good-bye and went off to opposite ends of the hall to lie down in our own rooms. There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.

She's become a Russian again, he thought. When something works, she's grateful. When it doesn't work, it's life.

Waiting for a book to be published is like having a baby. It would be nine months before we heard the patter of tiny pages trotting through the letter box, and the bookcase shuffled it's shelves in boredom and I was a martyr to morning sickness.

Hopeless. Freak. Elephant. Pitiful

Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's.

Life is a circus: you go in, bow, run around, bow again and leave.

There is much to discover that's not on the back cover!

I BELIEVE EVERYONE IS SPECIAL . . . BUT SOME PEOPLE THINK . . . . IT'S JUST ANOTHER WAY OF SAYING NO-ONE IS

Technically, you cannot really own a book you bought; you can only own the sheets of paper your copy is printed on; unless, of course, you are the book’s publisher.

Mark Spitz didn't ask about Harry. You never asked about the characters that disappeared from a Last Night story. You knew the answer. The plague had a knack for narrative closure.

Honest friends is kinda nice, but it's hard to beat a big-ass lie and a six-pack of brewskies.

Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree.

I had a blind date with a dentist — and he told me to come back in six months.

Yes, Doc, I'm not feeling too well.'Which was true enough, Kwang Meng considered.He had honestly not been feeling too well since he contracted poverty, loneliness, boredom, sexual frustration and periodic coughs and colds. Not to speak of his dreary job.

In Newcastle, Kurt announced from the stage, “I am a homosexual, I am a drug user, and I fuck pot-bellied pigs,” another classic Cobainism, though only one of his three claims was true.

Hardship bred a bitter, quickfire humour and resilience to all but the most terminal of life's tragedies.

Joan Durbeyfield always manged to find consolation somewhere: 'Well, as one of the genuine stock, she ought to make her way with 'en, if she plays her trump car aright. And if he don't marry her afore he will after. For that he's all afire wi' love for her any eye can see.' 'What's her trump card? Her d'Urberville blood, you mean?' 'No, stupid; her face - as 'twas mine.

What nature hath joined together, multiple regression analysis cannot put asunder.

People say it is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made.

Unlike Panic! At The Disco, I write sins AND Tragedies.

I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math — if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?

Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe.

It gathers emotionally inside you, in a strange way a by-product of struggle, of a willingness to do anything, try anything, expose yourself to anything — staying in motion because sooner or later those ripples will cause change.

Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.

Unlike Panic! At the Disco, I write sins AND tradgedies.

When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you.

I am driven. Being driven is my energy source. It is my fun.…I believe that where there is action, there is movement, and those ripples will eventually produce something positive.

The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be cleansing and healthy…

The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.

Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening…

Liked" was the kiss of death. "Loved" or "hated" interested him. At least the performer had aroused emotion.

Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.

The log officer handed me a pair of examination gloves. Pink. Everyone else wore red or black.“Thanks.” I glanced at her name tag. “Officer Kennedy.”“You’re welcome. They support breast cancer awareness.”I snapped on the gloves. “I knew that. I’m always willing to do my part to keep breasts safe.”“We appreciate that, sir.

…but I think comedy is more aggressive than that. It is a medium for revenge. We can deflate and punish the pomposity and the rejection which hurt us. Comedy is power.

Though Kurt would later claim that his graffiti messages were political, in fact, most of what he wrote was nonsensical. He enraged a neighbor with a boat by painting “Boat Ack” in red letters on the ship’s hull; on the other side he lettered, “Boat people go home.

…you either do or do not have a comedy mind, whatever that is, maybe a heightened sense of the ridiculous and the absurdity of life…We are all crazy and crazed.

Alys," he exclaims happily. "I think this might work out. You're going to be excellent in getting rid of unwanted visitors.""I'm not a fucking Rottweiler," I say indignantly.

On growing peonies:The fact that a flower as gentle and delightful as the peony should be so exacting and dictate such harsh terms hits me with the force of a cold shower. It's just like my girlfriends when I was a teenager, it was always the loveliest and most yielding ones who ran everything...[and] According to the English gardening book, peonies are so fussy that you might as well not bother. You'd need to go back generations to discover the composition of the soil, you'd have to go right ba

After my parents were dead, I found in a box and in two chests of drawers nothing but hundreds of bright red Alpine caps, I said, nothing but bright red Alpine stockings. Every one of them knitted by my mother. My parents could have gone into the High Alps with these bright red caps and bright red stockings for thousands of years. I burnt every one of those bright red caps and bright red stockings, I said. I put on one of my mother's hundreds of bright red Alpine caps and in this costume burnt a

I can't believe there's a part of you that grows when you need it. You're like a mutant.""I'm a vampire," Baz says, "and can you hear yourself?

A man should never miss an opportunity to keep his mouth shut.

The decker these ***holes brought with them is top tier, but I'm going to stomp his jelly beans so hard his kids will be born crooked.

Dez cringed as her boss slammed his door closed. But before she could walk away, he snatched it open again. “And I better not see your ass until after the New Year!” He slammed it again.Dez glared at Bukowski as she headed back to her desk. “I didn’t even do anything.”“You did ask her if she killed Petrov. I think your exact words were, ‘You whacked him, didn’t you? You sadistic bitch.

Yeah, that sure was Mace Llewellyn staring at her from the other side of her desk. Just staring. Like he used to. Like he knew where she’d buried the bodies of all her goldfish after their unfortunate “accidents” or what she did with her sisters’ toothbrushes on more than one occasion.

This is Trenicia, the queen of the warrior women of the Isle of Akalla. Different places have different traditions and different customs. On the Isle of Akalla, the women rule, and the women do the fighting.""What do the men do?" the horseman Ekial asked curiously."As little as they possibly can," the warrior woman said in a sardonic tone. "Over the years, they’ve foisted just about everything off on us. We have to grow the food, hunt the meat, and fight the wars. The men sit around getting fat

The men sit around getting fat and arguing with each other about something they call “philosophy” - most of which is pure nonsense.